| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2007|04:46 pm] |
I haven't posted in a bit because of straight up binge fest! I weigh:
276.6lbs - 125.7 kg - 19st 10.6lb - BMI 47.6
I am really mad... I binged this morning too.... form now on this is seriously unacceptable. I am waiting for Christmas to see if I can have my viudeo camera... I want to see if I got it so i can keep a diary online or something, that i know I will stick to... just looking at reverse thingspo ov myself in videos over and over again would make me not want to eat. I desperately need my Video Camera, Digital Camera, and Laptop w/ Internet. It'll keep me from overeating and have to tell people about it. I want to be an Even 19st by Next saturday. I hope to... because of my massive weight It might be realistic. I'm going to try to get a tape measurer so i can take my measurements once a week. Then again I wanted to weigh myself once a week but I do it every day now. I've been trying to stay away from food and exercize the best I can but... i don't think it's enough. I felt horrible trying to look at the Waiting Room after a mean binge.
I cried on the phone with Drew the other day and I haven't talked to Ryan in a while... I think Ryna is boring me now... I haven't been on MSN forever though.... so that's why I haven't talked to Ryan. I miss Drew honestly. I'll post a little later. Bye! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2007|08:34 am] |
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Weight - 274.4 lbs - 19st 8lb - BMI 47.1 - 124.7 kg
I'm really happy :) today is a 300kcal day so.... maybe I'll lose more?
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| Week 1:::: |
[Dec. 3rd, 2007|09:28 pm] |
Weight: 280lb - 20st - 127kgs - BMI 48
Weight - 280lb - 20st - 127kgs - BMI 48
281.6 (don't wanna look at anything else)
Weight - 276lbs - 19st 10lb - 125.5 kgs - BMI 47.5
Weight - 279.2 - 126.9 kg - 19st 13lb - BMI 48
Weight - 279.4 - 127 kg - 19st 13lb - BMI 48
Weight - 275.4lbs - 125.2 kg - 19st 9lb - BMI 47.3
lost: 4.6lbs - 1.8kgs
BMI: went down:::: 0.7 pts |
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| Day Two::: Accomplished. |
[Dec. 3rd, 2007|06:14 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Inside the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic | ] |
Okay... posted my weight this morning :) So happy about that... today I had a bit of the oatmeal and a personal pan pizza, that's what they we're serving in the program today. It had about 300 something calories so I only had 150 or so calories of oatmeal... It totaled 424 but... just to be safe I rounded up and so that was my 500kcal for the day. I am happy. Really happy that I've gone 2 days w/o binging! Tomorrow is gonna be hard! My aunt is taking me to this christmas dinner, all girls, it's like 3 something hours long and they are serving prime rib... she just told me this! I need help! :( I don't wanna gain it back so I gues I'll be fasting all day, then eat a bit during the dinner. Prime Rib has... 450 kcal per serving... so I gues only eat a bit of it? :(((( other than this my day has been great.
Bye? |
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| Lost 4lb overnight!!!! |
[Dec. 3rd, 2007|07:44 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | the spider song - say anything | ] |
Weight - 275.4lbs - 125.2 kg - 19st 9lb - BMI 47.3
So fucking happy! I am not going to screw it up today either! |
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| Today's Outcome:::: |
[Dec. 2nd, 2007|05:38 pm] |
| [ | Location |
| | Livingroom | ] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Inside the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic | ] |
I had a total of 400kcal today I ate the yogurt and oatmeal in the morning. I think I'm gonna do the same thing tomorrow. The oatmeal really filled me up. I am really tired right now, so I am gonna take my seroquel and go to bed at 6. Hopefully I lost something if at all anything today. Booooooored. I am gonna leave on a happy note, I had recorded Inside The Brookhaven Obesity Clinic for reverse thinspo. I've got alot of distractions now. :] Hopefully tomorrow will be awesome. :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Bye y'all. |
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| Nice 'N Slow |
[Dec. 2nd, 2007|02:08 pm] |
| [ | Location |
| | Livingroom | ] |
| [ | Mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Scary Movie 2 | ] |
Weight - 279.4 - 127 kg - 19st 13lb - BMI 48
Okay, So far so good. I am a bit mad I gained .2 overnight. It's all gonna sort out though... So far I've had:
2 servings of Oatmeal - 200kcal
I am starting on my yogurt which would give me 200 more calories. I won't eat the pretzels, but I'll eat the broth if I get hungry. I'm gonna see how much weight I lose on ABC today is my 500kcal day tomorrow is another one, I think i'll have the same things tomorrow. I really want this and I hope I can do this sucuessfully. My Mom made us Ellios Pizza and I said I didn't feel like having pizza she was like 'ok' and brushed it off, so I'm safe. I think as long as I take my prozac after my seroquel I wont be as hungry.
I made 0kcal lemonade and it's really holding me over and making me less hungry. I'm not even hungry right now, I think I'll put the yogurt in the freezer. It'll take longer to eat. I am really happy about today. I just finished wtching the mask I am about to watch Scary Movie 2 then the recorded Inside The Brookhaven Obesity Clinic thing I just recorded. I fell confident about today... I'll update later.
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| Plan for tomorrow. |
[Dec. 1st, 2007|09:34 pm] |
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Sunday - 500Kcal
B; Plain Oatmeal - 100Kcal
L; Pretzels - 100Kcal
D; Yogurt - 200Kcal
S; Broth - 40Kcal Total; 440Kcal
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| ABC |
[Dec. 1st, 2007|09:26 pm] |
I lied I am starting ABC.
1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2007|08:04 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  morose | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Zeitgeist Movie | ] |
Hoagie - 500kcal
Crisps - 280kcal
Pizza - 158kcal
Total = 938kcal
Weight - 279.2 - 126.9 kg - 19st 13lb - BMI 48
Pissin me off. I am going to do this... I will eat 1000 kcal, then 900, 800, 700, 600 etc. I am going to try this instead of just eating nothing. Today will be an ignored day because I know I am going to eat alot more. Grr. Short today cause I am mad.
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| All Day Binge-athon! |
[Nov. 30th, 2007|10:10 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Beautiful Wreck - Shawn Mullins | ] |
Weight - 276lbs - 19st 10lb - 125.5 kgs - BMI 47.5
My goal weight is so far away, but I am down a few pounds. I was quiet today, it was one of those days when you're there but not there at the same time. I made a collage instead of doing school work today at program. I like it sort of. I binged all day. I was pathetic really, but my world is falling from underneath my feet. It's like my little box has been torn up into peices while I was away and now it's snowing. This is what I ate today:
Lots of muchkins
ham & cheese hoagie
2 small bags of crisps
2 slices of pepperoni pizza (remember i hate pizza)
3 chicken strips
1 serving of baked mac & cheese
tons of pistacios
non-diet iced tea
I feel sick with myself. I hate it! I am gonna pop a 400 seroquel and sleep all day tomorrow, if I get up pop another 100, weight myself, and go back to sleep. It'll burn the calories. 121 just about every hour. It's a hell of alot easier than exercise and i just feel like hybernating. Additional bonus is when I am asleep I can't eat. Sounds like a plan to me. I don't wanna know how many calories I consumed today but I am telling you this, I'm not fucking gaining the weight back because of this shit, I am fasting for 14 days. Starting Saturday. I am going to the movies with my Mom tomorrow, so i'll have to get up for like 3hrs, but then it's back to bed.
My eyes itch so bad but I can't cry. My family is having money problems right now because of me. I was in and out of the hospital in and out of programs since October 10th. I just think everything would've been better if I had died that night before Oct. 9th I tried suicide for the 5th time. I feel awful about it. I feel sick and I want to quit. I am not going to... not tonight.
xoxo - Suicidal Dumbass |
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| Confusion... and hurt. |
[Nov. 29th, 2007|10:13 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  moody | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Desperate Housewives | ] |
Okay so today i weighed 281.6 which majorly pissed me off, but I was like ya know... I have my period... just let it pass, and I was fasting all day until I binged on 3 peices of pizza, if you read my earlier post you would know that I despise pizza. I will continue with my fast like nothing happened and try to achive my goal sucuessfully. I might sleep to burn off the calories... I burn aprox. 121kcal per hour by sleeping so hopefully it'll work. I wieghed myself when I woke up from sleeping and I weighed arounf 278lbs so I am happy for that... hopefully I'll wake up around that weight, it was after I ate that I had weighed myself so... maybe a little less. :)
I've been talking to Drew, didn't talk to Ryan today, but... Drew mentioned Rhi and some other girl and my nerves are on edge. He seriously is my motivation. I want him to want me like no other and i can't make him do that at this weight. I wanna get down to 100lb hopefully by September 2008. That would be amazing! I'd absolutely love it!. Today's is gonna be short, I ate like 800kcal worth of pizza so at least 8 hrs of sleep... which I will get if I am asleep by eleven. So far my thinspo has been Desperate Housewives... I love this show...
The thing is Drew knows when I am lying... even over the internet and he catches me at every turn. That's why I think I love him........
I hate Rhi. |
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| Maybes and Miracles |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|07:59 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Guilty Pleasure - Cobra Starship | ] |
Weight - 280lb - 20st - 127kgs - BMI 48
Today was awesome. In the morning I decided 300kcal was a bit rough considering my binge yesterday would've stretched my stomache huge! So I upped it to 400Kcal... I only Had 330Kcal today and I am really happy with that. :) My intake today was:
1 20oz Diet Coke
1 Salad
2 glasses of water (I need way more in my diet :))
1/2 cup carrots
1 bite of turkey
1 tsp mashed potatoes
pickles
2 large cups of tea
= 330Kcal Not too shabby. I'm happy because I talked to Ryan for a bit today, but I didn't get to talk to Drew. :( It's all good though. I feel really confident for tomorrow. A friend told me to try to restrict to 400 for three days then go lower stick to that for three days, so your body gets used to not eating it'll be easier to not eat. So i'm gonna do that until I hit a fasting day and wait to see how long I can do it for, then start ABC. i've got it all planned out :). Really happy. I mantained over night which means the world to me because I didn't put on any weight from the binge. I hope to lose a bit tonight but... I am on red so I don't know if I will because I am bloated. :(
Wish me luck! :)))))))
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|08:00 am] |
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Weighed myself this morning, a maintained 280. I am having 300Kcal or below today so we will see how that goes. I'm gonna try to only eat lunch so that I can just burn off that during the walking thing. Normal walking for me for 1hr burns 333Kcal so the 300Kcal will definately be burned off. My grandpop seems to find that trying to look over my shoulder while I am trying to be on here and my ED myspace is fun. It pisses me off really because with this I appreciate my privacy. I have Program now, I gotta make my lunch here, so I know what the Calorie content is. Wish me luck! xoxo |
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| Love and War? |
[Nov. 27th, 2007|06:21 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Baby Girl, I'm A Blur - Say Anything | ] |
Weight: 280lb - 20st - 127kgs - BMI 48
My goal is around 100lb - 7st 2lb - 45.4kgs - BMI 17.2
I hope to get there before My sophomore year, so I can go back to school thin. No one has seen me since October 6th except my real friends. The councilors say I'm gonna be in program longer than intended. It like when I get to a certain point of openmindedness I crawl back in my shell 10x worse than I was before. I retract and I don't want to come back out for a long long time. I freak out and have a panic attack. I just think everyone is out for me.... everyone is out to destroy me and I have no control over it. I cry over it on the inside. I don't know how to cry outside anymore. I want to be able to cry, to soothe my itchy eyes. My boyfriend is on punishment and keeps logging off and on the computer and talking to me for five minutes at a time because his parents keep coming up to check on him. And Drew is at program right now. Today was one of those days where you want to die, but you don't think it's right. I wanted to die the other night too, but I didn't act on it. My councilors were just trying to pry me open, i wanted to just crawl into my bed and disapear. I think I'm gonna go to bed soon. I'm just weak today because i had a grilled cheese and pizza binge and it was awful because I can't purge and i don't like pizza at all. I have a major head ache and I can't even take advil or tylenol because I had OD before.
It hurts so much! I have so much make-up work that I can't go to bed just yet.... even though I want to. I am trying to make up all the school work I've missed from being hospitalized twice and in and out of programs for the past two months. The councilors said that i'm gonna be there for a long time becuase I wont open up they were telling me i could be there as long as needed, some people have been there for 5 months before they got discharged. I don't care if I am there for a year. I just... I am not going back to school right now. Chris told everyone where I am and everyone thinks I am insane as it was, now.... I am not going back to school unless i get a startover and the only way that would happen is if I lose the weight and start over as a new person. I just want a do-over. I think everyone wants one. If this is my only chance i have to take full advantage of it... Ryan (my boyfriend) is on finally, his parents went out... I have to get to the book store and get a few new books, maybe after Christmas. I want to get a few books to preoccupy me. Tomorrow I am to have 300Kcal or below... and a one hour walk around the development. I need the time alone. Maybe even longer if my iPod holds out. The time alone should do me well... It'll let me think for a while. About Drew, he's my friend with benifits, I love him way more than that but, I don't think he knows. He has a girlfriend too. Alike eachother we both have significant others in states far away. Ryan lives in Illinois and Rhi lives in Washington, the state. We live in New Jersey. So far away.... god.
Drew is the most amazing person I've ever met, I met him in the hospital... we clicked immediately. He's 17, Ryan is 16, I am 14. He confuses the hell outta me, and I think i don't deserve him. I know he loves Rhi though, that's what sucks about it. He loves her. He LOVES her. I hate her. I never thought i could be so envious! It's sorta sickening how much i hate her. I deleted my myspace so i didn't have to talk to her. I love him way too much... me and Ryna met online and only have seen pictures of each other. I don't know what to do... I guess I am really off today. God i need help but I can't open up enough to get it. Man i practically wrote a book, and it's still not everything that happened today. My bed is calling me so I have to go. Bye! |
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